ah man.... whoo! whoo! whoo! creature of the night.

dont fall

your playing the game again

Evolving or Devolving?

I feel like I'm devolving back to the state of an ape. Creative juicies aren't there any more, haven't been fore some time now. All we talk about anymore (the crew) is poo and sex. Not my ideal conversations. I do enjoy it and take part, but there seems to be nothing intellectual left. We run chain saws all day and grunt at eachother. Aye, Aye, Aye!
Everyone on this crew is more than capable to have civilized conversations. We have a Princeton Graduate, a History Major who will be getting her Masters soon following this, and the spectrum goes on and on. We all come from different parts of the country and have different upbringings. Why then, this...?

Let me tell a story... So we are going to be working with high schoolers next week, we are all really excited for 2 reasons. One being that we will be able to run saws the whole time without having to swamp out branches. Two, the reason more talked about, is that they will be our so called "Monkey Slaves"... Our Coordintators at the office told us we aren't allowed to call them that, of course, so we will be giving them all nick names when they arive. All of these nick names will be famous monkey names... a little inside joke you see. My "Monkey Slave's" nick ame will be Curious George. I do think thats funny. They aren't the only ones with nick names, all the members of our crew have them as well, our leaders is Captain Nemo and mine is Dr. Destruction PhD. Ironic because I'm the least destructive... any way. We are the monkeys, not the high schoolers. We have all devolved from bright witty people into farting burping grunting beasts...

I that good or bad? I dont know... The cause has got to be that we live in tents... Mother Nature has some wonderful powers.

What do you think?

Bullets that were Healing!

-Spent time in the Bay Area, saw the city and made a visit to the Green Gulch Zen Center

-Worked my ass off

-Camped my way through Idaho with a crew member

-Saw my best friend on her Birthday

-Saw The Doobie Brothers, The Allman Brothers Band and The Dead at the Gorge in Washington

-Worked my ass off some more

-Car broke down

-Went to Mesquite to see my dad

-Ended up driving all night and seeing Zion National park.

-Told the girl how I feel... She wants to take some time alone... I respect that

-Did some more ass kickin work

-My tent broke (at this point I had broken transportation and a broken home)

-Hiked up about to peak at dusk

-Woke up to sun rising behind Mt. Wheeler... aprox. alt. 13,000 ft

-Now I have some time to relax.... after the next bout of hard work I'll be headin to Utah to meet with a friend from P2P....

I FEEL GREAT!!!

P.S. Lots of cool photos on my myspace

All is Well

The crew is awesome! went above Tahoe on Thursday and did the chainsaw training... fell my first tree!

Got to Ely last night... blizzard and freezing.... all is great.

dont have much time to type... 15 minute sessions on the computer.

Havin a great time, goin on tour monday somewhere south of here... possibly a bit warmer. Everyone is really cool and were all havin fun here at the KOA.

And So This Chapter Ends

After saying good bye to a great number of my good friends this evening, I headed over to Gabes where he, Katrina, and Greg were hanging out, to say my good byes to them. I got into my car and there was a light sprinkle of rain coming down, more like a mist, as it had been all day, and I realized that that was the last time I would see these people for a long while.
Driving down State St, in the matter of seconds, the wind picked up and the rain started falling hard. I turned onto 36th, just about to Gabe's, and there were branches laying in the middle of the road, big enough to make a thump as I ran them over. All of a sudden lightning flashed in the foot hills and I watch the street lights go out and the transformer shoot off sparks. The traffic light started flashing red. This was amazing! I turned onto Taft and parked my car. When I got out the wind was furiously blowing, rain pouring down. I have always loved storms. Walking down the alley to the garage I let out a big scream into the night. I was absolutely loving every moment. No fear! It occured to me that lightning could strike me at that moment and all would be ok, but I knew that thats not what awaited me.
I walked into the garage and the power was back on... for a minute. Then it was out for good. We heard fire trucks in the near distance, and decided to go for a walk in the storm. What a beautiful night. We walked a few blocks and it had settled a bit, the power was still out, but the rain had slowed, so we walked back to the house.
I gave everyone a hug in the living room and told them I love them and I left. Just like that.

"Then End" began to play when I started my car.

It is funny to me how the last 2 chapters of my life have ended in such a similar manner... Without power and screaming to the sky. The differences is; at the end of the last chapter I wanted to die yet so scared of death that I accepted spiritual help, this time I was perfectly comfortable with death yet saw my higher power at work in my life.

If she only knew how much I love her.

The Great Illusion

A man was running down a road through a forest. Running because he was in fear, fear of the things behind him, fear of what followed and haunted him. He kept running, he couldn't stop, he didn't know what would happen if he did. All of a sudden in the near distance he saw a dark wood. The trees did not look welcoming. As he approached he started to notice shadows drifting through the woods. He realized he didn't know what he would do when he got there, surely there is no way he is going in.

When he got closer he saw a group of people standing at the head of the trail that entered the forest. He stooped to talk to them. He told them he didn't know what to do, if he stayed there the things behind him will catch up, but if he went in to this forest he had no idea what would happen.

The elder of the group looked at him and said; "We are going through, we have been through woods like this before and we know we will be safe. You can join us if you please, but we are not going to make you. It's your choice. I will say though, if you do join us, those things behind you will disappear."

As the man thought about what had been said to him he decided to go through the forest. All he had at that point was faith that the man believed that it was all going to be ok in the end. He wanted the things he was running from to leave, so decided he would run the risk. It was worth it.

They embarked on their journey. The entire journey through the dark wood the man was full of fear, but he decided not to turn around, he saw the comfort in the eyes of the other travelers, the confidence they had as they walked, and with that had faith that it was going to be alright.

Finally, to the man's relief, they emerged from the dark forest... And what he then saw, can not be sufficiently defined in words. But, I'll try. He looked over a broad valley, the beautiful warming sun left streaks of pink and purple streaking through the sky. He felt a warm peaceful feeling come about him, the fear of the things behind him seemed to slip away. He could look the world in the Eyes.

The old man looked at him and said, "I'm glad to see that you are happy with the result of the journey through that mess of a wood... This group and I, we are going to continue to trudge this road."
"But it's so beautiful here, why not just stay."
"We have learned to enjoy the journey of it, and know that if we stay there is a chance that the darkness of the forest may one day be back on us. So we continue on.... You are more than welcome to stay here and enjoy the beauty, but you can also continue with us on our journey. I will say, from my experience, it only gets better."
The man thought about it, and decided to continue with the group, having traveled so far with them, he felt as if he had become a part of this strange fellowship.

They continued.....
Eventually they came upon another dark wood. The man was confused and a bit frightened, but not near as much before.

You see, this is all part of the journey... There are always going to be random dark spots, but after a while they don't seem near as dark, and fearsome.

So this time the man was willing to trek through this next forest with the group. At the entrance of the forest the group stopped and had a meal and some refreshments. The man looked back to this beautiful land he had just trekked through and out of the corner of his eye he saw some quick moment. He focused in on it and noticed it was a man running... the man felt something inside.... he realized that this man who was running was trying to escape the past, to out run his fears, just as he had done.

The running man came up to the group, as the man before him, not sure what to do. The man who had already been through a dark forest went up to him and told him the same thing the older man had said to him. He could see the fear in his eyes, but in the end the fearful man agreed to join the group in faith that he would be ok.

And so it goes, once our man left his fear behind... he was able to help others to leave behind theirs too. Another thing he found was that he loved the journey... The old man was right... but he realized something the old man had failed to tell him... for every dark forest he passed through, everything was more beautiful on the other side than before. After passing through many dark forests, he came to a point where there were no longer dark forests, he realized that they were just an illusion, as was the fear that chased him for so long. Life became beautiful at all times, and it only grew more beautiful with every step he took.

The man who was once paralyzed by fear, who today walks a free man in the beauty of all things... Well that man is me.